Teens Need Compassion

There’s been a lot of this happening recently… I wish I could say it was some fantastic technology maker unit we were doing, but alas, this keyboard has been taken apart (numerous times) because something has been spilled on it.

Our 14 (almost 15) year old is growing. The balance of his stretching body and gangly limbs is somewhat confusing and unpredictable. So accidents have been happening. A lot of accidents. But something that’s also been happening is avoidable accidents. Accidents that occurred because certain “rules” weren’t followed. Like no ice cream (or food in general) near the computer.

It would be so easy to get angry and say I told you so. But when you know that pushing against rules is a part of this phase of development and that they need to learn things on their own, you save the I told you so’s for your inner chat, ha ha. He sees me and my guidelines as antiquated and somewhat unnecessary. A safeguarding he doesn’t need anymore. I get it!

When this happened though, he had enough sadness and disappointment at himself for proving my rule wasn’t unnecessary after all, that I didn’t feel an “I told you so” would highlight anything other than smugness. Not something I want to model as acceptable behaviour. He was SO remorseful. Plus, the consequences of this accident were built right in.

The photo above represents the fourth time this keyboard has been taken apart so we could find and clean all the sticky bits. It meant missing time online with friends, having school work pile up, and missing the first part of watching a hockey game with Dad while. And he suffered all those natural consequences without any complaint, which shows a level of maturity and awareness that is growing within him.

All this keyboard cleaning also slowed my day down, because I helped him clean it each time. Many may think that he should have been cleaning it on his own (and he did try initially, but didn’t want to take the whole thing apart without permission). But I want him to know that even when he makes mistakes I’m going to help him through. Even when I’m less than impressed. Even when I want to say I told you so. Whether it is sweeping up dishes that fell because they were stacked too close to the edge of the counter, a berry smoothie knocked off a bedside table and spilling over a beanbag chair, or gluing a dining room chair back together again, I want him to know there is compassion even for those who make questionable choices.

It isn’t easy (I’m sure my tongue has holes from biting it so hard), but teens really do need our compassion. While they DO know better, they really don’t know until they do it themselves. They are very much like toddlers in this way. Determined to do it all on their own, in their own way. And as adults we have the special gift of helping them through the consequences when we can so that when something really big happens (although I’m hoping this is as big as it gets) the teens in our lives will feel comfortable coming to ask for help.

That’s worth taking a keyboard apart for the fifth time (although the photo above blessedly documented the last time we had to search for more sticky bits, so no fifth attempt was required)

Until next time,
Marina